A Written Off Birthday Gift By Lesley Truchet
I could almost sense the transition of my thoughts, flowing effortlessly from my brain to my dancing fingertips. Words materialised on the screen, each swiftly following the previous in perfect logical sequence. Punctuation appeared in the correct places as if by magic; this was a writing roll like no other.
My story was a fantasy and the main character had just arrived in an alien world. I read the preceding paragraph.
“I gazed upon a utopian world of lush meadows. The air was alive with the humming of insects and exquisitely coloured butterflies. Trees bursting with blossom harmonised with the flowers carpeting the ground, forming a stunning kaleidoscope of colour, their perfume sweet and powerful. Rabbits and squirrels were everywhere, unafraid, scampering over my feet. Slow moving white clouds contrasted dramatically against a dark lavender sky, bathed in bright yellow sunlight.”
Oh, it was good. Definitely a potential competition winner!
‘Hi love. Just popped in to tell you something.’
‘Oh shick-lit!’ I swore softly. Not now mother! I hurriedly contrived to transform my frown of displeasure into a look of welcome, but not fast enough.
‘Don’t worry, I’m not stopping, Its just I had this wonderful idea for your birthday and thought I would let you know’.
‘What idea?’
‘Ah that would be telling. Must go, I’m late for an appointment. Bye.’
‘That was utterly pointless!’ She waved a hand airily in response and left.
I returned to my writing but the spell had been broken; I couldn’t control my fickle thoughts, which defiantly abandoned the story and concentrated instead upon my mother’s remarks.
I gave in to the inevitable and reflected on the birthday gifts she had sent me over the years, a ‘brass’ anniversary clock with rotating balls and a dome, made entirely of plastic, a pen etched with my name, which didn’t work and fell to pieces when I tried replace the ink cartridge, a yearly subscription to a slimming magazine, (I was a size 12 at the time). What I was going to receive this year?
My curiosity was satisfied on the morning of my birthday when I answered the telephone.
‘Hi love, happy birthday; I’m sorry, but unfortunately my idea for your present didn’t turn out very well.’
‘Oh?’
‘I tried to get one of your stories published, that romantic one I really like, but I wasn’t very successful.’
‘I see Mum,’ I said - though I didn’t exactly.
‘I wrote a lovely letter do you want me to read it to you?’ She didn’t wait for my response. I listened with horrified fascination to her recitation, unfolding into my left ear.
Dear Sir or Madam
Dear Sir or Madam? That would hardly flatter the editor’s ego, I mused.
‘You’re not listening.’
‘How did she know?’
Dear Sir or Madam, she repeated, a note of petulance creeping into her tone.
I am sending you a lovely romantic story written by my daughter. Her birthday is in two weeks; if you were to publish this story in your next magazine next month it would give her a lovely birthday surprise.
I belong to the Montadale Old Peoples Club and would appreciate it if you could also mention our yearly jumble sale in your magazine; it takes place this summer on the 3rdh of June at 10am in the Montadale Village Hall. Entrance fee is £1.
I love your magazine and read it every week.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely
Mrs Swinton
‘What was the response?’ I couldn’t control my curiosity.
‘Oh I received some nice letters full of advice, but really saying no, together with some rules and guidelines. I cut them all up and used them for a notepad.’
‘Some? All? I could feel my pulse rate accelerating, and decided against voicing my objection to the unsolicited metamorphosis of what could have been quite useful feedback.
‘I wanted be certain it would be published somewhere, so I sent it to a few magazines.
“Exactly how many is a few?’
‘Well … You left a copy of the Writers' & Artists' Yearbook here last time you stayed, it was that which gave me the idea. I found a list of magazines in it. So I made photocopies of the your story and my letter and sent copies to all the magazines starting with A.’
My mind reeled. My dear mother thanks to her ignorance of the literary world, had managed to break about every rule, written and unwritten, regarding the submission of stories to a magazine. There were between 40 and 50 magazines listed beginning with the latter A. I put my head into my free hand in despair.
‘Well you could say something.’
I recognised that she had acted with the best of intentions because of her love for me, which ruled out me expressing my true feelings, which she would neither appreciate nor understand. Politeness and tact were clearly called for.
I took a deep breath. ‘Thanks mum, it was a lovely idea. That story, unfortunately, even though you like it, was not one of my better efforts. I doubt that it will be accepted for publication.
I struggled through the remainder of the conversation, my blood pressure reaching a dangerous level. Finally, I thankfully replaced the receiver and relieved my stress by means of a very long, loud roar which no doubt was heard my anyone within a half- mile radius, too late I remembered the all the windows were open.
I speculate at the reaction of editors of magazines covering topics such as Aviation, Angling, Architecture Athletics, and Automobiles, to a letter from a lady pensioner claiming to be an avid reader of their monthly magazines - on a weekly basis. One particular magazine is aimed (though not exclusively) at gay men. The mind boggles.
Despite a heavy workload, editors, I imagine, like the rest of us, enjoy a little light entertainment during their rare spare moments. Perhaps I am over reacting, however I cannot help but visualise the emails passing to and fro between associates of various magazine publishers.
Hi Martin
Attached is a goody! A letter for a story submission, we received recently. Enjoy.
Hi George
Yeah. It’s a gem. I had a copy too, so did several other editors I know. Some of the comments flying about are side-splitters. I will forward them to you. It’s definitely one to display for posterity.
Looking to the future, if I were to be (strike the last 5 words) when I become a famous novelist and I am interviewed on a television chat show, when asked the inevitable question ‘What incited you to write under a pseudonym?’ at least my response will be memorable. Perhaps my birthday gift may come in useful after all.
Thanks mum!
© Lesley Anne Truchet June 2010
http://www.feedbooks.com/userbook/27673/a-written-off-birthday-gift to download
My story was a fantasy and the main character had just arrived in an alien world. I read the preceding paragraph.
“I gazed upon a utopian world of lush meadows. The air was alive with the humming of insects and exquisitely coloured butterflies. Trees bursting with blossom harmonised with the flowers carpeting the ground, forming a stunning kaleidoscope of colour, their perfume sweet and powerful. Rabbits and squirrels were everywhere, unafraid, scampering over my feet. Slow moving white clouds contrasted dramatically against a dark lavender sky, bathed in bright yellow sunlight.”
Oh, it was good. Definitely a potential competition winner!
‘Hi love. Just popped in to tell you something.’
‘Oh shick-lit!’ I swore softly. Not now mother! I hurriedly contrived to transform my frown of displeasure into a look of welcome, but not fast enough.
‘Don’t worry, I’m not stopping, Its just I had this wonderful idea for your birthday and thought I would let you know’.
‘What idea?’
‘Ah that would be telling. Must go, I’m late for an appointment. Bye.’
‘That was utterly pointless!’ She waved a hand airily in response and left.
I returned to my writing but the spell had been broken; I couldn’t control my fickle thoughts, which defiantly abandoned the story and concentrated instead upon my mother’s remarks.
I gave in to the inevitable and reflected on the birthday gifts she had sent me over the years, a ‘brass’ anniversary clock with rotating balls and a dome, made entirely of plastic, a pen etched with my name, which didn’t work and fell to pieces when I tried replace the ink cartridge, a yearly subscription to a slimming magazine, (I was a size 12 at the time). What I was going to receive this year?
My curiosity was satisfied on the morning of my birthday when I answered the telephone.
‘Hi love, happy birthday; I’m sorry, but unfortunately my idea for your present didn’t turn out very well.’
‘Oh?’
‘I tried to get one of your stories published, that romantic one I really like, but I wasn’t very successful.’
‘I see Mum,’ I said - though I didn’t exactly.
‘I wrote a lovely letter do you want me to read it to you?’ She didn’t wait for my response. I listened with horrified fascination to her recitation, unfolding into my left ear.
Dear Sir or Madam
Dear Sir or Madam? That would hardly flatter the editor’s ego, I mused.
‘You’re not listening.’
‘How did she know?’
Dear Sir or Madam, she repeated, a note of petulance creeping into her tone.
I am sending you a lovely romantic story written by my daughter. Her birthday is in two weeks; if you were to publish this story in your next magazine next month it would give her a lovely birthday surprise.
I belong to the Montadale Old Peoples Club and would appreciate it if you could also mention our yearly jumble sale in your magazine; it takes place this summer on the 3rdh of June at 10am in the Montadale Village Hall. Entrance fee is £1.
I love your magazine and read it every week.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely
Mrs Swinton
‘What was the response?’ I couldn’t control my curiosity.
‘Oh I received some nice letters full of advice, but really saying no, together with some rules and guidelines. I cut them all up and used them for a notepad.’
‘Some? All? I could feel my pulse rate accelerating, and decided against voicing my objection to the unsolicited metamorphosis of what could have been quite useful feedback.
‘I wanted be certain it would be published somewhere, so I sent it to a few magazines.
“Exactly how many is a few?’
‘Well … You left a copy of the Writers' & Artists' Yearbook here last time you stayed, it was that which gave me the idea. I found a list of magazines in it. So I made photocopies of the your story and my letter and sent copies to all the magazines starting with A.’
My mind reeled. My dear mother thanks to her ignorance of the literary world, had managed to break about every rule, written and unwritten, regarding the submission of stories to a magazine. There were between 40 and 50 magazines listed beginning with the latter A. I put my head into my free hand in despair.
‘Well you could say something.’
I recognised that she had acted with the best of intentions because of her love for me, which ruled out me expressing my true feelings, which she would neither appreciate nor understand. Politeness and tact were clearly called for.
I took a deep breath. ‘Thanks mum, it was a lovely idea. That story, unfortunately, even though you like it, was not one of my better efforts. I doubt that it will be accepted for publication.
I struggled through the remainder of the conversation, my blood pressure reaching a dangerous level. Finally, I thankfully replaced the receiver and relieved my stress by means of a very long, loud roar which no doubt was heard my anyone within a half- mile radius, too late I remembered the all the windows were open.
I speculate at the reaction of editors of magazines covering topics such as Aviation, Angling, Architecture Athletics, and Automobiles, to a letter from a lady pensioner claiming to be an avid reader of their monthly magazines - on a weekly basis. One particular magazine is aimed (though not exclusively) at gay men. The mind boggles.
Despite a heavy workload, editors, I imagine, like the rest of us, enjoy a little light entertainment during their rare spare moments. Perhaps I am over reacting, however I cannot help but visualise the emails passing to and fro between associates of various magazine publishers.
Hi Martin
Attached is a goody! A letter for a story submission, we received recently. Enjoy.
Hi George
Yeah. It’s a gem. I had a copy too, so did several other editors I know. Some of the comments flying about are side-splitters. I will forward them to you. It’s definitely one to display for posterity.
Looking to the future, if I were to be (strike the last 5 words) when I become a famous novelist and I am interviewed on a television chat show, when asked the inevitable question ‘What incited you to write under a pseudonym?’ at least my response will be memorable. Perhaps my birthday gift may come in useful after all.
Thanks mum!
© Lesley Anne Truchet June 2010
http://www.feedbooks.com/userbook/27673/a-written-off-birthday-gift to download